I wish he didn't say it! - BEHIND THE WALLS

Dad:

So when is your graduation ceremony precisely?

Me:

I think it already passed…

Dad:

May Allah forgive you, you deprived us from those happy moments, we haven’t been happy since a while!!

Me (trying desperately to find excuses and feel less guilty about it):

Well, none of my friends is going to the graduation ceremony and I don’t like to be alone!

Dad (making me feel guiltier):

This is completely irrelevant!

The above conversation made me feel terrible about myself, made me cry for the next half hour at least and to top it all, remind me of things that I’ve been desperately discarding of my memory in the last 11 years (well, I’m not old, but the fact is: lots of things happened with me since I started my high school, things that I will never forget, things that affected me and above all, things that caused or at least resulted in a very quick deterioration in my life; a path I walked but never expected to).

Now this post is kind of personal, it’s about ME, but I want you all to understand that I wish I can one day convey the unique painful experiences, moments of pains and sorrows, the indescribable hazardous road I walked once to stay alive (I don’t want to mention why), and in some other times just to dig my way up to the sunshine…

I wish I could ever make people feel the way I felt when I walked this 11 years' old road, because if I was to have this bless, I’m telling you for sure you will all be able to have a great faith in Allah, a faith that I fought all the devils and demons in this life for (these need not be necessarily jinnis, they can be humans as well).

This faith was my only weapon that eventually served showing me the right path, remain sane and most importantly not go astray...

Since 11 years my life has been a path constructed with troubles and paved with hazards, but who is there for me to blame and hold the responsibility??

Me and only me, do you know why?

In psychology, selfishness is a problem and so is selflessness.

Imagine if we go farther on this continuum, and approach the borders of being self centered! Then we are facing humans who are much more than just selfish creatures. They are way beyond and sick psychologically.

On the other extreme of the continuum resides the state of self denial, it’s not as Jane says (in 27 dresses) the status of being Jesus, absolutely not, Jesus is a prophet sent by Allah, and we are regular humans and definitely incomparable to him. Self denial is a problem about one’s self, when they can’t notice themselves and they just prefer focusing on others… They would act as bridges for others to walk on so those others can succeed in their lives. Yet, still they would be very happy about it and unable to notice themselves as entities that exist isolated from others' lives and perceptions.

I believe this has been my major problem…

I can’t go to my own graduation ceremony (even in the bachelor degree graduation my parents pushed me to go to it) because I’m happy for everybody else but I can’t be happy for myself. I never want to be the center of attention in this life. There were even sometimes when I thought that I don’t exist and I’m the ugliest girl in this entire world…

The occasion can never be about me, and I don’t like to see people staring at me, I never liked the feeling of being important, popular or whatever, strange I know but that’s truly how I always felt. In some times, I reached the extreme of: when I get married, I won’t make a wedding, or any party. People are gonna be looking at me and I’m gonna be very noticeable. I always wanted to stay in the dark and remain anonymous, that’s why I cried and that’s what I’ve been trying to change about myself, because I figured out, I’ve helped everybody enough and should start helping myself. Right now I’m very lonely and there’s nobody to help me, no matter how much they tried; they’ve got their own lives and worries to consume their energy already…

That’s why I cried after my conversation with dad and that’s even the slightest number of thoughts that were rushing in my mind hereafter…

Will save the rest for myself. I believe the headaches I've given you already are enough.

Sorry for bothering you all with this long post but I guess Kevin was right when he told Jane (again in 27 dresses):

You’d rather focus on other people’s Kodak moments than make memories of your own…